A rude awakening

 I woke up today in a motel in Cedar City, Utah, homeless, unemployed and alone. 

I woke up yesterday thinking, "I better hear from the Red Cross today, this is taking too long." I've been telling myself that same thing every morning for the past two weeks. Impatiently waiting for the formal job offer I asked for two weeks prior. I checked my phone hoping for the email and to no avail, i'll just have to be more patient. 

I got up and made my way to the kitchen to fire up the kettle after a quick trip to the bathroom. A sideways glance to see if the dog had gone the bathroom in her tray, still fresh, must be waiting for mom to take her out. I poured the last bit of Common Room beans into the grinder, pulsed for the necessary time and loaded it into the Aeropress. After adding my hazelnut creamer I slowly made my way towards the back door to take up position on the porch overlooking our beautiful backyard retreat. I decided today I would start the new Dave Grohl biography, Storyteller. 

The book was easy to get started and progressed quite nicely. After a few chapters I made my way back inside for a second cup of coffee. I went through the same routine and refreshed my mug and noticed the dog sitting between the door frame of the master bedroom. This was a usual sight in the morning as she prefers the view that allows her to see what's going on in the house but also wants to be in sight of her mother, my ex partner, that I'm still currently living with. 

I popped my head in the master bedroom and asked if the dog had been taken outside yet. I was told she had been in what I perceived as an annoyed question that didn't need asking. I sensed the tension, something that had been building for weeks between us and tried to diffuse the situation. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad or inadequate with the dog, I was only trying to help by seeing if she still needed to be taken outside." "okay" was the strained response I received. Mission failed, tension still present. 

I grabbed my newly fresh-end second cup of coffee and headed back outside to continue reading. After no more than five minutes of sitting down and pulling back up the book on my phone the sliding door opened and I was met with, "Hey, can we talk?" My heart sank, adrenaline rushed through my veins, I sat bolt upright as she made her way to the lounger opposite me and took a seat. "This isn't going to be good" I thought to myself. She looked into my eyes and started, "So you know how we've been broken up for a couple of months now, and you said you'd be moving out soon and I know you sent that email to me and I want you to know I still feel the same, I still want to break up." " I don't want you to move out in a month or a couple weeks, I need you to be out in a few days." 

"I get it, you don't want anything to do with me" I blurted out. I felt gutted, the adrenaline coursing through me causing my heart rate to rise even more than I thought possible. We both immediately stood and made our way back into the kitchen. " Thank you for being straight and honest with me", I said. "You're welcome", she replied grabbing her lunch and heading to the garage for her departure towards work. 

That was our last conversation in the house I lived, with the partner I had spent the last five years of my life with. 

I was panic stricken, emotional, scared, and completely clueless what to do. 

Two months prior we had a fight and she decided it would be best to break up for good. I didn't feel the same way and wanted to continue trying to make it work but she was done. She wanted to remain friends though I voiced that would be incredibly hard for me to do. But we made it work and those first two weeks after "breaking up" were amazing! We made plans to go on a few more trips together, Sidecar donuts in California, A trip to Disneyland for her birthday, and a trip to Cedar city to see the trees change for fall. I voiced that I would move out by the end of September. We communicated well, we both seemed very happy, we even continued having sex. "why are we breaking up, are we still broken up?", I kept thinking to myself. 

One thing I've learned very recently, and that kept ruminating in my brain during the drive to Cedar City yesterday was the pain/pleasure balance. In her book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke talks about the brains need to be in a state of equilibrium or homeostasis. Meaning that after periods of heightened pain or pleasure we will find ways to compensate for the extremes and bring things back to a balanced state. This "balancing" was the reason why our amazing two weeks of being broken up had come to an abrupt end. 

I sensed that she was happy in the current state of being broken up and I wasn't. There was a conflict that I couldn't rationalize "Why is she happy being broken up, but it feels like we didn't break up at all!" I was feeling pleasure from this amazing two weeks and couldn't understand what was going on. I needed to feel pain to get some sort of comprehension of the situation. 

So I called her at work and though I can't remember the exact words expressed, it was something along the lines of, " Hey, if we are broken up why are we acting like we aren't? What are you doing to show that we are broken up?" Her response was a simple, "I don't say I love you when we say goodbye to each other." That hurt, much more than I realized at the time but subconsciously my brain knew and it went into full blown pain mode. I yelled back, "why are we planning trips, why are we having sex with each other if we are broken up! Its confusing and you are leading me on!", placing all the blame on her. 

I wanted to feel pain to reset the balance of having a great two weeks with her while knowing this was still coming to an end. I'm not proud of the way I acted, and only on the drive to Cedar had I really reflected on what was really the issue, what could I have done better? I realized that I was needing to reset the pain/pleasure balance, I needed her to feel hurt the way I felt hurt for making me feel good even though she was leaving. I know now that I should of had a conversation about why she was so happy acting this way (like we were not broken up) but leaving me to believe we were. I think that would of been the antidote I needed. If I could of understood how she was really feeling about all this maybe I could of seen that she was hurting too, and seeing her pain would of reset the scales for me without me having to lose my cool and blow up on her like I did. I won't ever know, my lack of emotional control robbed me of ever having that conversation. It's a lesson I plan to hold onto everyday as a reminder to really try to understand why we feel the way we do, and how to best address it so we don't live with regret. 

Back to the present and the clueless situation I had before me. The only thing I could immediately think to do was start packing up my things. I started a load of laundry assuming I won't know the next time i'll be able to do so. That simple thing, doing laundry, made the situation even more real than it already felt. I'm homeless. "What the fuck am I going to do?"

Just then I get a text from my friend, "You free to talk in an hour?" Fuck yeah I am, I thought to myself. I replied with a "yeah" and spent the next half hour slowly walking through the house trying to calm myself down and making sure I wasn't overlooking things to pack away. My phone rang and I was met with the jolly voice of my friend. He was recently going through a bit of a situation himself and I was expecting an update on his situation. I couldn't help myself, I immediately lead with, "She's kicking me out, I have to be out today. " "Oh Shit!" my friend replied, "Ok I was just gonna give you an update on my thing, but damn screw that, let's figure this out." 

I truly can't express how thankful I am to have a GREAT friend. A great friend won't solve your problems, they won't distract you to make you feel better, or tell you that everything will be okay. A GREAT friend is an ally, it's a warm hug of support that lets you know you aren't alone. It's an unspoken agreement that you don't have to have all the answers now and that's okay, we focus on the first few steps together and keep moving. A GREAT friend will tell you when you've fucked up but will help you think of ways to solve the problem. A GREAT friend doesn't judge, just assists, just keeps passing you the ball to let you know the game isnt over, it's only just begun. 

We talked for hours about short term strategy, constantly giving me reassurance that I didn't have to have it all figured out now, but to just keep moving closer and closer to steps I could take to put out the immediate fires. Those being: 1. Where am I going? 2. What are my job prospects and how quickly can they materialize. 3. Stay positive!

Without employment verification my options for a place to stay were limited to a hotel. I had spent previous weeks looking at Roomster and Craigslist for possible rooms to rent but even those listings were hidden by a two pay stub minimum. I was still waiting to hear from the Red Cross but the employment manager was still "out of the office". My friend told me to stop putting all my eggs in the same basket and start a plan B. Plan B consisted of my nursing school colleague and running friend getting me a job at the hospital where she worked. 

Time for a little regression. I've been unemployed for two years. Yup, two fucking years, and prior to that I had done a couple stints at jobs that lasted a few months before I found a reason to up and quit. During this my partner had not only been supportive in my decisions, but supporting me financially the entire time. I'm a nurse that hates nursing. You're probably thinking, "Everyone hates their job", and sure no one likes to give up their time to someone else for what they feel isn't enough money. That's not what this is. I hate being put into positions where I have to do something potentially illegal because the company is trying to save money on overhead. I get scared shitless that the patient ratios are not only a lot of fucking work, but recklessly and dangerously impossible to manage. I've had three nursing jobs throughout my career. The first was managing a 68 bed unit that lasted 6 months before I couldn't endure the feeling of dread I had every night driving home thinking I had not completed everything necessary. It was traumatizing being put in situations that were unsafe and being made to feel like it was normal. The second was a job that I thoroughly enjoyed and worked for years because the patient ratios were never more than 5 to 1. I was setup up for success and I excelled. Eventually I continuously got put into positions where I wouldnt have the legal clearance to treat someone but was expected to do so, or I would be removed from the schedule. My third job was very much like my first, dealing with insane 18-22 patient ratios and expected that quality care would actually take place. It's terrifying. 

I also feel very far behind on experience, because I spent so many years doing my second job which was about as "non nursing" as you can get, I feel inadequate. I'm not up to date on medications or how to accurately chart a narrative. I've been a nurse for almost 7 years, and feel I have this expectation to not need training and to be able to jump right in.  I have no confidence in myself to perform well unless the job is willing to spend time training me. 

I was and still am banking on getting the Red Cross job, the job consist of 1 on 1 patient care with no more than 5 patients in a day. The expectation is that after 6 months of training you should have 50% competency. I found that very appealing and safe. I hate the idea of getting a nursing job only to have to endure immoral hardship or quit immediately. So I have been taking my time finding something that would truly fit me. However, it's been almost a month without a job offer. That's not say I've been just waiting and hoping they will call. I have been in constant contact with them and they have informed me that they thought I was the right fit for the job and that I'm still being considered. 

But I'm homeless and unemployed. Beggars can't be choosers.

So finding a place to go was actually the easy part. That's not to say that the location and situation is ideal by any means but it was really a matter of figuring out what are the best options? Start at the top and start crossing them out as you go down the list. Unfortunately I don't have much family other than a sister in California and a brother in Texas. My sister offered to put me up for 3 days which was generous but I could feel that it was an inconvenience for her and I didnt think I could handle being the burden on someone else while dealing with a break up, no home and no job. I foolishly let friendships lapse while being with my partner and only now do I really see just how important, again, to not put all your eggs in one basket. I tried to reach out the only friend in town that I knew had an extra room and was met with expected silence. That really only left hotels. Everything in Vegas was expensive as it was the approaching weekend and rates increased justly. After talking with my sister she gave me the idea of going somewhere out of town that would be less expensive and eureka! Cedar city, where my partner and I have lived for two years prior had affordable rates in a city I was familiar with. 

I finished my laundry, packed up my two suitcases, one storage bin, a backpack, and two bags of shoes. I slowly walked through the house after loading up my car and tried to remember the good moments that took place here. It was excruciating having the dog follow me around with her stuffed pumpkin trying to get me to play and acknowledging that this would be the last time. After crying for the third time I vowed not to play with her anymore and decided to have one last coffee on the porch before heading out. It was not as enjoyable as I anticipated. Knowing it would be the last one only added to the pain I was already feeling. This place was my life, this was my partner for the long haul, this was our dog, and yet this narrative was no longer true. 

We had a fight one morning several months ago that led to my partner throwing her coffee mug from the second floor stairs to the ground below. It was the only time she ever completely let go and released her emotions. As I walked back through the house for last time I couldn't get that image out of my head, it just kept playing over and over. I couldn't help but reflect on that immense amount of pain she must of been feeling to have to go to that extreme. I broke down and cried. I sat on the floor with the dog and let the tears stream out of me. I eventually had to get up to get tissues to stifle the flow of snot coming from my nose. I gave myself a quick once over in the bathroom, said my final goodbyes to the dog and left. 

The drive up to Cedar was uneventful, little to no traffic with the sun behind me for the entire drive. I forced myself to not listen to music, for two reasons. One I had given up music as part of my dopamine detox, and two I didn't want any distractions from my thoughts. I wanted to be present and in the moment. I spent most of my time thinking about the pain/pleasure balance and how it affected my actions in contributing to the failing of the relationship. Eventually I reached my destination and checked into my hotel.

I brought my luggage in and proceeded to take a shower. The water pressure was great, nice and hot, but no fewer than 15 seconds in, i'm banging my elbows on the wall of the shower as I move to wash myself. I start crying. Immediately I am aware that the roomy, beautiful shower that I loved would never be used by me again. Little did I know, but these small realizations were only just the beginning. 

I got dressed, sat on the second queen bed nearest the AC unit and turned on my computer. I saw a sign while driving that the Virgin River hotel in Mesquite, Nevada had $29 dollar rooms Sunday through Thursday. I made a mental note to look it up when I got to the hotel as I was only booked through Sunday morning. The hotel gave me the wifi password when I checked in and I had no issue connecting on my phone. However trying to get my computer to connect just wasn't working. It would just automatically connect to the hotel without asking for the password, so it never actually connected. I eventually gave up on the computer and looked on my phone to see that the Virgin River rates had increased to $49 per night. Not a deal breaker, but not the steal of a deal I was hoping for. I attempted again to get my computer to work so I could look for jobs but was met with connection failures. 

I was frustrated, I didn't need little setbacks during a time like this, why couldn't things just work out for me. I set the computer down and stared at the room around me. Then I started to panic. In my past whenever I felt frustrated I would always think about how comforting it is to just climb into bed and relax, realize that life isn't as stressful as we make it out to be. But when my brain tried to use this method to cope it was left with a blank image where my bed was supposed to be. There was no bed because there was no home to hold it. I felt lost, and so damn scared. 

My friend had been reaching out to check in periodically and I noticed that I didn't have the energy to have a conversation with him. I was consumed with panic. This dumpy hotel was all the comfort and security I had now. I was distraught. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't cope. I took some melatonin and told myself to read until I felt tired and just sleep it off. Things will be better in the morning, for the morning signals a new day and new possibilities. 

I wish I could end it there and start with the morning but things are never that easy, or comfortable to deal with. I continued trying to read but wasn't comprehending anything. The melatonin should of kicked in by now but I was still awake with panic. I took some more melatonin and tried to force myself to relax. In and out I breathed telling myself that it'll be okay, but I didn't believe it. All I could think about was ending it. I've lived a good life, I've experienced everything that I wanted. I was okay letting go, calling it quits. 

The one good thing about death, is that it's hard to accomplish when you're healthy. I was listing off all the practical ways I could pull it off tonight. I could run a warm bath, slit my wrists, Whitney Houston style and just slowly drift off. But that felt so scary, what if I couldn't cut deep enough. Would I be able to handle the thought of a slow bleed throughout the night? What I would give to have my IV supplies at home, one quick catheter in an AC and off id be. I couldn't do it, too damn scary. I could go to walmart and get a shotgun, Kurt Cobain style, but what it I lived. What it I was one of many people that aren't successful and end up in the hospital alive and horribly disfigured, or worse, kept alive on a vent. Nope, that won't do. I could make a noose with the bedsheets. My partner recently told me a story of a spouse coming home to find her husband hanging from the shower. That seemed doable, and less scary. The room itself did not offer any anchor points. I'd have to go into the surrounding forest and hang it from a tree. Cant do it in the night though. Eventually I remembered my partners step sister, shed accidently overdosed when the drugs she got were laced with fentanyl. Now that would be the way to go, but how could I get access, I couldn't even get heroin if I tried. Thankfully the options seemed perilous and after going through the exhaustive process of which suicide techniques wouldn't work I realized I wouldn't have the balls to do it. It seemed like such an easy out, but the actual process I didn't have the stomach to perform.

I ended up sleeping because at some point I woke up and realized it was 9am. I felt better. Not great by any means, but not suicidal. I showered and again attempted to connect my damn computer. What the fuck! c'mon already! I looked and saw it was getting closer to 10 and knew I'd have to get something to eat. I like Taco Bell breakfast, and there was one right up the street and with breakfast ending at 11 it forced me to get up and start moving. 

It was fucking pouring down rain. The weather matched my mood as I drove the two minutes to Taco Bell and went inside. I never go inside, I'll go through the drive through and eat in my car in the parking lot, but never feel inclined to go inside. I have time to burn I thought as I wrenched the door open and went inside. It was pretty empty and very clean, just a few customers waiting at the front for the orders they've already placed. I didn't wait long, I got my crunchwrap, asked for some breakfast salsa (which is a must) and found out they were out of stock. Of course they were. This day is starting out great.

After slowly eating my breakfast I headed back to the hotel and out of the rain. Yesterday before I left I told my partner that I would have my cell phone and car insurance transferred over to my name by the end of the next day. So I pulled up Mint Mobile, started to go through the process of the transfer and hit a brick wall. It needed to send out a new SIM card for activation. Not a big deal, assuming you have an address. What the Fuck! I texted my ex partner and let her know I couldn't complete the transfer until I had an address. She graciously said shed be happy to keep me on the plan until I could get it figured out. Whew, I couldn't help but appreciate how helpful she was. I started to look at car insurance and had the revelation that I no longer had access to a god damn printer. We live in a digital world now and having a hard copy printed out wasn't the necessity it used to be, but fuck it brought the panic of the night before right back to the forefront of my day.

It was cold out. Only a high of 59, I should change into something warmer. As I went to my luggage to grab a thermal I immediately thought, "Wait a second, when are you going to be able to do laundry again? Shouldn't you try and tough it out with the short sleeve you wore yesterday?" These are the thoughts you have when you're homeless, god it's awful. I smelled my shirt and to my relief it still smelled fine, though I didn't get any hint of my deodorant. That's because I forgot about it at home. It was tucked away in the drawer and I completely forgot to grab it. Again, I felt defeated. How is this my life?

I chose to not let it drag me down any further. I could make a quick trip to walmart. I could even stop at the Maverick and make myself a coffee. It felt good to be on a mission. To have a purpose, even if its coffee and deodorant. I went to the Maverick first and began loading up my cup with hazelnut creamer, always creamer first so you don't have to stir. I turned around a noticed that both coffee carafes were completely empty, are you fucking serious! I looked around some more and saw some complicated looking machine I didn't know how to operate and decided fuck this, i'm out! I got in the car and headed to walmart. The rain had fizzled out enough to not get me wet as I made my way in the store. As soon as I entered the busy ailes I felt a wave of relief pass over me. It felt good to see other people, to see life being lived. 

I strolled out after my quick self check and felt a bit better. Lets try a different Maverick this time. There was one on the corner and as I walked inside all I saw was the same complicated looking machine from the previous Maverick. In a better mood now I found that it wasn't complicated after all. They even had a self check at the counter, sweet. I got in the car and thought about a former co worker I had who reached out to me recently looking to see if my IV business was still going. She's got a big house right? I wonder if she'd rent me a room. With nothing to lose I sent the text. The sun was starting to break through the clouds a bit and I thought why not take a walk up my favorite canyon trail. 

As I parked by the trail head the rain started back up, "Thats okay", I thought, i'll just sit in the car and enjoy my coffee. I then received a text back, "Let me talk to my daughter as I'm out of town until Wednesday." "Whoa", I thought. "This might actually work", I smiled. Then started to cry as I imagined the story I would have to tell her if I moved in. It made me sad to relive the break up. I decided to head back to the hotel and get started with plan B on the job front to take my mind off the sadness. As I headed back I drove right by our old rental and again tears started to well up, maybe coming to Cedar wasn't such a good idea, too many memories. 

I texted my nursing colleague and running buddy and asked if she could get me that job. She immediately got back to me and informed me she was working today and could go and have a chat with the manager right now. Turns out there will be two positions opening up that haven't even been posted yet. Just wait for the listing and she'll keep an eye out for my application. Fuck yeah! I was immediately filled with relief. What a change of events. Just last night I felt completely consumed with despair and now I might have found some solutions. The new day brought the possibilities.

As I sat and reflected, feeling such gratitude for the friends I did have, it dawned on me just how serendipitous this all seemed. My GREAT friend was only just reconnected with me after a 5 year hiatus, and my nursing colleague/running buddy was just reconnected after a 7 years hiatus. This cant happen anymore I thought to myself. I cant cut people out of my life, not when they still want me in theirs. 

I sat on my bed a reflected back upon my relationship with my partner. Was I seeing things correctly? Was I telling myself a narrative to preserve myself and my ego so that I didn't feel like an awful person? 

Facts: My partner put up with me while I chain smoked disgusting cigarettes for 3 years. She encouraged me to start my own trading business. She took the roll of sole provider when we moved to Utah and was an immovable stone of support through my deeply depressed transition of living with her parents. She went to pokemon raids and rollerbladed with me through campus collecting pokestops. She went trail running with me in the summer, and hiking through the snow in the winter. She was supportive when I continuously got turned down from jobs. She talked her friends into letting me stay with them when I couldn't stand staying with my parents. She commuted back and forth from Utah so that we could move to Vegas so that I could work. She became my medical director and wrote all my protocols when I started my business. She payed off all the debt for my business after it failed. She bought me a streaming computer and encouraged me to try and play video games for a living. She made me stop being depressed by saying she couldn't put up with it anymore (and it worked). She worked her ass off to buy us an amazing house, to take us on monthly vacations all while I sat on my ass feeling insecure and incompetent. She knew that nursing wasnt for me and encouraged me to go back to school for something else. I could of had a accounting degree by now, but I didn't listen. She bought us an incredible dog so that I wouldn't be lonely at home. She was thoughtful and caring and showed me what unconditional love is really about. 

I countered all that by projecting my inadequacies on a consistent basis. Refusing to listen, refusing to put in the effort to join the team she so wanted us to be. It's so unfortunate. 

Being in Cedar and remembering the good made me very sad. Sad that we would never do things together again. But the real sad thing is believing that. Believing that it's all over, believing that we have to throw away all of it because it ended, especially in a way we torment ourselves with. I am choosing to feel good about the experiences I got to have from being with her, Im considering myself lucky to have spent the last 5 years with her. We were not meant to be as a couple but that doesn't mean we cant be friends. That doesn't mean we can't meet up and share our love of rollerblading the railroad trail. 

Im sick of giving up on people because I feel shame or guilt for not being the person I hoped I could be. I can be better, I am better and I will continue to grow as a means to heal these wounds I kept throwing salt in. Im going to forgive myself for things not going the way I wanted. I'm going to love myself so that I can love others in return.

And i'm going to continue this blog, sharing my experiences and emotions in hopes that I can see things from a more objective perspective.

Lets see what tomorrow brings...